What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated, but I have several degrees."

I see London, I see France, I see your underpants.

Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper... It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while!

It ain't easy to be a dick; I've got a head I can't think with, An eye I can't see out of. I have to hang around with two nuts all the time. My closest neighbour is a real asshole. My best friend is a pussy. And every time I get excited, I throw up; And worst of all, my owner beats me.

It was a sweltering hot day when three guys, Arnold, Bobby and Calvin, were walking along a never-ending path in a park. Arnold: It sure is hot! I'd like a vanilla cone very much. Bobby: Yeah, my shirt's soak with sweat. I'd give 10 bucks for a strawberry cone. Calvin: Well I'd give 20 bucks for any cone. Arnold picks something off the ground saying, "Pay up Cal, here's a pine cone."

See if you can find the hidden image in the group of characters below. It takes some concentration, but it's worth it. Don't cheat by scrolling down before you look at it. Have fun! You'll be surprised when you see what it is... {{{{{{{===**++++*****+++++++++++????????/// //////////%\\\ @@@@@444+=+=****&^"""""}}}|||||||]]] xxxxxxxx<<<<<>>>>>>>xxxxxxxx ~~~~~~*********~~~~~~~~ ====||\\/////////*****<><><><><><><>{}{}{} %%%%%%%%%%%% $$$&&$$&$$===~|~|~|~|====++ Most people find it easiest to put your nose right up to

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave. The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate. On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full m

News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. The Chief Medical Examiner concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say fuck him, he's in there for a year. A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy

In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities they live in are noisier now than they were five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.

A king is sentencing his prisoners. The first person enters and says that he stole a horse. "Hang him," the king yells. The second person comes in and says he stole old ladies' purses. "You heartless fiend! Shoot him" the king growls. The third person comes in and says that he pirated software on the internet and stole billions of dollars from internet companies. "Well what the heck are you guys doing just standing there?", he tells his men, "Hire him already!"

One day, a man held a contest. The winner would be who could get the most ping pong balls in one day. The first man comes back with 100. The second man comes back with 110. The third man comes back with a whole ton of bruises. The men ask him why he didn't collect any ping pong balls and why he was bruised. He said, "Ping pong balls? I thought he said King Kong's balls!