1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer doesn't go that high. 5) Touch him. 6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. 7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 8) Refer to him by his first name. 9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 10) When he says no, cry. 11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 13) If he asks you to st

A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely to shit when you hear the price!"

BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?" ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, an

Q: What would you do w/out your memories ? A: Forget

Q: What is the difference between a fish and a piano ? A: You can't tuna fish.

Q: What did the seismologist say when he messed up? A: It's not my fault.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and some peanut butter? A: Either an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth, or peanut butter that never forgets.

Q: What did judge say when the skunk came in the court ? A: Odor in the court.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Keep scrolling down! Not far now! Keep going! Solve this problem while you wait for the answer to pop up. 6! Not enough? Solve this! (Pi)! The answer will pop up shortly... Whoops, there was a mistake. Go back to the 2nd line.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world. Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice: "Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare." Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said: "Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"