The following are copies of actual written statements submitted to the police on report forms. The drivers were instructed to give brief statements on the particulars of the accident in their own words. Here are some examples ....... Woman Driver: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. Man Driver: A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. Woman Driver: The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. Man Driver: I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. Man Driver: In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. Man Driver: I had been drivi

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!) During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless th

Shit may be the most powerful word in the english language: You can be shitfaced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, or tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shitheaded, shitbrained, shitblinded, and shitover. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chi

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain a

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

An American and Japanese were sitting next to each other on a plane. The American turned and asked the Japanese, "What kind of -ese are you?" The Japanese man answered "I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean." "What kind of -ese are you?" the American repeated. The Japanese was showing obvious confusion. Irritated, the American explained, "Are you Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, what?" "Oh, I'm Japanese." Soon after, the Japanese turned to the American and asked him what kind of -key he was. The American, now annoyed, replied, "What d'you mean, 'key'?" The Japanese asked again, "Are you a monkey, a donkey, or a Yankee?"

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later w

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear." The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill." "Congratulations," said the teacher "you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy". "Very good" says the teacher, "you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls wo

1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particul

You know you've had too much coffee when... You can type sixty words a minute with your feet Instant coffee takes too long You chew on other people's fingernails You answer the door, before people knock You sleep with your eyes open You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work there You help your dog chase its tail You lick your coffeepot clean You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee You're so wired you pick up FM radio You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!

A man goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums. This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Mister, that's it!! Why won't those drummers stop?! I can't get any sleep!" The manager replies, "No! The drums must NEVER stop. It's terrible if the drums stop drumming." "Why?" "When drums stop... bass solo begins."