Category Jokes - Other / Misc
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered . . .
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4.Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
9. It's hard to make a comeback when y
Humphrey comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Humphrey.
The guard says, "Well, we'll see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Humphrey overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Humphrey, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Hum
"Two tone paint work" - Original color and rust.
"One careful owner" - But the other nine were clumsy as anything.
"10,000 trouble-free miles" - Crashed in the last 20 feet.
"Heated rear window" - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter.
"Very clean" - Only washed if and when it rains.
"Lady owner" - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics.
"Clean interior" - All the rubbish is under the floormats.
"Immobilizer" - The gear shift comes off in your hand.
"Anti-theft device" - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap.
"Drives beautifully" - ... in a straight line; the steering is all over the place.
"Low mileage" - The odometer is on its third time around.
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?
"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
On clothes: do not iron while wearing.
On a baby carriage: do not fold while in use.
There was an Iraqi force moving thru the desert. As they were approaching some mountains they heard (from over the mountains) "One U.S. Marine can take out 10 Iraqi fighters!" The General of the army sent out ten of his men to take care of the american, none of them came back after some shooting. Then he heard, "One U.S. Marine can take out 100 Iraqi fighters!" So the General sent out 100 of his men after a long time of shooting none of his men returned. Then he heard "One U.S. Marine can take out 1000 Iraqi fighters!" The General, angry now, sends 1000 fighters. After a very long time of shooting one man comes back. In his dying breath he said, "Don't send anymore men! Its a trap, there are
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