Humphrey comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Humphrey. The guard says, "Well, we'll see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Humphrey overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Humphrey, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Hum

"Two tone paint work" - Original color and rust. "One careful owner" - But the other nine were clumsy as anything. "10,000 trouble-free miles" - Crashed in the last 20 feet. "Heated rear window" - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter. "Very clean" - Only washed if and when it rains. "Lady owner" - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics. "Clean interior" - All the rubbish is under the floormats. "Immobilizer" - The gear shift comes off in your hand. "Anti-theft device" - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap. "Drives beautifully" - ... in a straight line; the steering is all over the place. "Low mileage" - The odometer is on its third time around.

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way

You're so fat, when you sleep over someone's house, you sleep OVER someone's house!

You're so dumb, you tried to rip the lips off a chicken!

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"? "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." "Why is my sister named "Cornflower"? "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her." "And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"? "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

zebra: 25 sizes bigger than an 'A' bra

Russian Roulette, by Hugo First

On clothes: do not iron while wearing. On a baby carriage: do not fold while in use.

There was an Iraqi force moving thru the desert. As they were approaching some mountains they heard (from over the mountains) "One U.S. Marine can take out 10 Iraqi fighters!" The General of the army sent out ten of his men to take care of the american, none of them came back after some shooting. Then he heard, "One U.S. Marine can take out 100 Iraqi fighters!" So the General sent out 100 of his men after a long time of shooting none of his men returned. Then he heard "One U.S. Marine can take out 1000 Iraqi fighters!" The General, angry now, sends 1000 fighters. After a very long time of shooting one man comes back. In his dying breath he said, "Don't send anymore men! Its a trap, there are

Locomotive: A crazy reason for a crime!

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?" Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?" Tom: "The smaller piece, of course." Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"