Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemp

Proof That Santa Doesn't Exist - For Nerds! There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 9

Why are New Yorkers always depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

Ok, 3 canadians were walking along the beach, one from the Yukon, one from Quebec, and one from Newfoundland. Now, it happened that they found a magic lamp. After rubbing it, the genie promised each of them one wish. The Yukon said, "I wish for fish teeming in our waters for a million years." The genie snapped his fingers and said, "Done." The Yukon man went off to go fish. Now the Quebec man said, "Being as the Quebecois's (is that right?) are a superior race, I want a wall a mile high and a mile thick all the way around Quebec so no one can get in, and no one can get out. So the genie snapped his fingers, and transported the Quebecois to Quebec so there were no problems. The Newfie step

Laundromat sign: Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Sign at an office kitchen: After the tea break, the staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board.

antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.

Jack told me you told him that I told you that he was ugly, and I told you not to tell him I told you that! It's his fault! I told him not to tell you I told him what you told me! Well, don't let it happen again--and don't tell him I told you he told me.

I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.

Two guys are in the woods camping out when a bear attacks them. While the bear sniffs around the food, the first guy starts lacing up his sneakers. The second guys goes, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!" The first guy replies, "I dont need to; I only have to outrun you."

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.