There's a blind old lady who live with her 5 grand children. Every morning the kid's got up and prepared to go to school, just before they left they each gave her a kiss and walk out at the same time she touches' the kid's face and call out their name. After school they each gave her a kiss at the front door and head in, as each kid's kiss her, she just touch the kid's face and she would say, "Hello Simon, Your getting chubby every day." She touches another face and she said, "Hello Sarah, Your getting finer." She feels the other kid. "Hello Tom." "Hello Mark, You're looking fine. "Hello Marry, You are beautiful. However mark, is so annoyed by her grandmother that he decided to put her into

what's the difference between here and there? The letter T! :) (Take away the T in there and you've got here!)

One night, I was just walking around, and something really strange happened. Every single black person that night took one look at me and decided to punch me square in the face. Repeatedly. It hurt. And I'm not just talking about one or two, I'm saying every single black person beat the crap out of me that night. I don't know why. I didn't do anything. I didn't say anything. I didn't even look at anybody funny. But after that, I did stop dressing up as a ghost for Halloween.

One night I was feeling lonely, so I went to my girlfriend's house. She wasn't expecting me, but I was able to calm her down. She was a bit hesitant, but I didn't think anything of it. I got her into the bed finally, and you know what happens next. In the morning, when I woke up she was still asleep. So I got up and left quietly. On the way back home I felt a little bad but I didn't know why. And then it hit me. I don't have a girlfriend.

Have you heard the one about the home security guard who got fired for saving his boss's life? One day the guard dreamed the his boss was going to be in a plane crash on a business trip to Zimbabwe. Upon learning that his boss was soon going to be flying to Zimbabwe he told his boss about the dream he had, and convinced his boss to cancel it. The next day on the news they learned that the plane did indeed crash. The boss gave him a reward, and then fired him on the spot, saying that a good guard shouldn't be sleeping on the job!

A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood. He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

A mother and her child were at a wedding. A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son,

Mik walked home from work and saw 4 people dressed in grim reaper suits. He ran home. The next time,the next time and 6 more walks for home, he decided to confront them. He yelled "who ARE you"????!!! They chased him into a wall. "s-s- Show yourself" he squeaked. They took their masks off and yelled "Hi, we're the wiggles!"

Man says to his girlfriend You're the only woman on this planet I won't. Oh by the way, I'm taken a trip to Mars next week.

Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is? The man get's to see a striptease every night!