A policeman pulls over a reckless driver along the road. Going up to the driver's window, he takes one look and notes, "Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The driver looks up out of those bloodshot eyes and responds, "Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?" Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."

Always on the look-out for a bargain, I was dining out and came across a menu entree "T-Bone* $4.25". I inquired of the waiter how they could sell a dinner at that price. He advised me to check the bottom of the menu. Next to the "*" was "with meat, $14.95"

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that fucking wall!"

There once was a very old man, whose verses no one could scan. And when they asked, "Why?" he said, "I don't know, I "just put too many words in the last line, I guess."

There was an old man from Purdue whose limericks stopped on line two.

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on irplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they were developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and emb

Here are some useless facts that you may enjoy... 1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." 2. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. 3. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. 4. All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. 5. No word in the English language rhymes with month. 6. A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened. 7. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". 8. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". 9. The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.' 10. The word 'pixel' is a contraction of either 'picture cell' or 'picture

Which is heavier, 20 pounds of rocks or 20 pounds of sugar? Their both 20 pounds! doy!

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!" "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat." "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist." "Talk about a huge breast!" "It's Cool Whip time!" "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!" "Are you ready for seconds yet?" "Are you going to come again next time?" "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?" "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!" "Don't play with your meat." "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in." "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?" "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" "You still have a little bit on your chin." "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it." "How long