Ole goes out one day to use the outhouse, and he finds Sven there. Sven has his wallet out, and he's throwing money down into the hole of the outhouse. Ole asks, "Uff da! Sven, watcha doin' there, fella? You're throwing the five dollar bill and the ten dollar bill down into the hole of the outhouse! Whatcha doin' that for?" Sven answers, "Well, when I pulled up my trousers I dropped a nickel down there—and I'm not going down into that mess for just a nickel!"

The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it good to have sex with an open window?" The Armenian Radio answers: "Yes, but with a woman it is better."

MONDAY: BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "Jr burgers". Y'know those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents? Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of juice. AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the juice. DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw. TUESDAY: BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole t

If rock is wet, it is raining. If rock is green, it rained a while ago. If rock is white, it is snowing. If rock is shaking, there is an earthquake. If rock is dry, the weather is fair. If rock is swinging, it's windy. If rock is warm, the sun is out. If rock is not visible, it's dark outside. If rock is under water, there is a flood. If rock is gone, there is a tornado (Run!!)

"Pass me the shellfish," said Tom crabbily. "That's the last time I'll stick my arm in a lion's mouth," the lion-tamer said off-handedly. "Can I go looking for the Grail again?" Tom requested. "I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner," Tom said succinctly. "I might as well be dead," Tom croaked. "We just struck oil!" Tom gushed. "They had to amputate them both at the ankles," Tom said defeatedly. "Who discovered radium?" asked Marie curiously. "Hurry up and get to the back of the ship," Tom said sternly.

"Oh, I'm not a professor," he said quickly. "I'm a professional balloonist, parachute jumper. Give exhibitions at county fairs. Leap for life, and all that sort of thing. I guess you mean my friend. He's smart enough for a professor. Invented a lot of things. How much is the damage?" "No professor?" cried Miss Perkman indignantly. "Why I understood from Miss Nestor that she called some one professor." "I was referring to my friend, Mr. Swift," said Mary. "His father's a professor, anyhow, isn't he, Tom? I mean Mr. Swift!" "I believe he has a degree, but he never uses it," was the lad's answer. "Ha! Then I have been deceived! There is no professor present!" and the old maid drew herself u

A Scottish highlander is asked what his three wishes would be. He first wishes for a lake full of whisky. His second wish is for a similar quantity of good food. When asked for his third wish, after a moment of indecision, he asks for a second lake full of whisky.[2]

The confused protagonist suddenly finding himself in the presence of the genie, who informs him that he has one wish left; he has just used the second wish to completely undo the effect of the first, including his own memory of making it. Undaunted, the protagonist makes his third wish, only to have the genie comment wryly (just before disappearing) that he wished for the same thing the first time.

When I saw that item, I said to my wife, "I don't think spaghetti grows on trees", so we'd looked it up in Encyclopædia Britannica. Do you know, Miall, Encyclopædia Britannica doesn't even mention spaghetti.

An American, a Russian, and an African were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. He said, "We're right over my homeland." "How can you tell?" asked the American. "I can feel the cold air," he replied. A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "We're right over my homeland," he said. "How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert." Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah! We're right over New York." The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know that?" they exclaimed. The American pulled his hand up. "My watch

A man walks into a shop and says, "I see you don't have any fish", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop that is across the road!"

"Dad, can I have the car keys?" "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"