Why are golf balls small and white? Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.

What has four legs and ticks? A walking clock!

A Scottish Presbyterian is rescued after many years on a desert island. As he stands on the deck of the rescuing vessel, the captain says to him, "I thought you were stranded alone. How come I can see three huts on the beach?" - "Well," replies the castaway, "that one there is my house and that one there is where I go to church." - "And the third one?" asks the skipper. - "Oh, that's my old church."

The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business. A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper. If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. Weird: STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. No one ever says "It's only a game," when THEIR team is winning. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins. Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all I've done?

A performative poet of Hibernia Rhymed himself into a hernia He became quite adept At this practise, except For the occasional non-sequitur.

This is by me, the asshole who dupes himeself.

There once was an X from place B, That satisfied predicate P, He or she did thing A, In an adjective way, Resulting in circumstance C.

The molbos have a long way to the forest so they must rise early to collect wood. One morning some of them drove to the forest to bring home a tree they had bought. But on the way the one who drove first happened to lose his axe, and when the others saw that, they thought he threw it away on purpose, so they threw away their axes as well. Now, as they stood in the forest, they had nothing with which to chop, they didn't know what to do at all, and they certainly didn't want to come home empty-handed. Finally one of them had the brilliant idea to pull the tree down; but as they hadn't brought a rope, one of them had to climb the tree and lay his head in the cleavage between two branches then