A woman who was driving down the highway pulled over to the side of the road when the policeman driving behind her turned on his lights and siren. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quietly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she politely replied. "Interesting," said the officer. "Do you always loop it through your steering wheel like that?"

A 15-year-old boy discovered, having supressed it for years, that he was a homosexual. After gathering courage, he decided to tell his father. He entered the living room where his father sat, reading the newspaper. Reluctantly, he said, "Dad?..." His father looked up. "Yes, son?" "Dad...", the boy stopped for a second, "I'm... I'm gay." The boy looked at his father eagerly. To his surprise, he didn't even flinch. "Alright, son," he said. "But let me ask you something. Do you participate in gay pride marches?" "No, but.." "Do you," his father interrupted him, "use words such as 'fabulous' more than ten times a day?" "No..." "Do you shop for clothes more than twice a month and make su

Mike and Joe, two buddies, were talking when Joe asked, "Hey Mike, do you have a rake?" "No," Mike replied. Joe questioned, "Well, then will ask your sister to come to my house this weekend to help with something?" Mike, even though he thought this was a strange request, consented, and later talked his sister into it. That weekend, Mike, overcome with curiosity, drove to Joe's. Joe called out that he and Mike's sister were in the back yard. After walking around, Mike saw Joe holding Mike's sister updide down by her toes and pushing and pulling her through Joe's flower garden. Obviously shocked, Mike yelled in surprise, "What the heck do you think you are doing?" Calml

"I started a new band called The Chimes" "What kind of band?" "Acapella Ska" "What do you play?" "Drums"

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter. SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

What's better than roses on your piano?? Tulips on your organ! (two-lips)

I once heard a cretin tell his friend that all cretins are liars! Did he lie though?

As a gift for Christmas, a wealthy family gives its children seventeen computer games. The youngest child gets one ninth of the games, the middle child gets one third of the games and the oldest child gets one half of the games. How are the games divided up, remembering you cannot have part of a computer game? The family are a little stuck until they borrow a game from their neighbours. This allows: one ninth of 18 is 2, one third of 18 is 6 and one half of 18 is 9. Now, this adds to 2 + 6 + 9 = 17, leaving the spare game to give back to their neighbour!

Teacher: Jimmy, use the word "handsome" in a sentence. Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya? Teacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word "gladiator" in a sentence. Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator.

The teacher stood at the front of the room. "Does anybody know what this Monday is?" About half of the students raised their hands. The teacher pointed to one of them. "It's Columbus Day!" he crowed. The teacher smiled. "It is. Does anybody know why we celebrate it?" This time, only one student raised her hand. "It's the day the Indians discovered Columbus!" How very true indeed.

I believe in making the world safe for our children. But not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

There was a man who was getting ready to be hanged by the politicians of Aaronztown City. The only way he could ignore death was to convince the mayor to make the politicians change their mind. So he did. "Hello Mayor Green, I am here to discuss important matter." "Okay. Very well. Do you want to make any comments before we begin?" "Yes. Do you mind if I examine the things around here before we begin?" "Yes." Darn. Okay, my first question. Do you mind if I do not get hung by the politicians?" "Yes." But, I have a family, a long life ahead of me, and lots of friends. Are you sure you mind?" Yes." The man growled furiously. "Do you mind if I don't kill you before I get hung?" "Yes."