Category Jokes - Other / Misc
Q: What do you call a guy with a Spade in his head?
A: Doug.
Q: What do you call a guy without a spade in his head?
A: Douglas
Question: Who am I if I have 73 eyes, 4 noses, 8 heads, 139 arms, 78 legs and 100, 000, 000 lips?
Answer: A liar.
1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos -- you never know what's going to burn your butt.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the "whooshing" sound they make as they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
6) Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions abo
(I know some people may not consider this a joke but it is still funny, the results at the bottom are funny to! ENJOY!)
Intelligence Test Instructions:
Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready? What is the time?
Start.
1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________
3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set
One day in summer, Jack was going to visit his friend John. When he got to his house, he saw John, who was dressed in his warmest winter coats.
"What are you doing? Are you nuts? It's the middle of summer!" cried Jack.
"I am painting my house. And on the can, it says you must put two coats on."
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and say
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