The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3 You are under arrest and.... 1. No, I don't care who you are. 2. No, I don't care who you know. 3. Yes, you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes, you CAN have my job. 5. No, I don't have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in any ethnic group/race). 8. No, I cannot give you a break. 9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________. 10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again. 12. No, we can't talk about it. 13. Yes, it DOES make me happy. 14. Yes, you WILL see me in court. Thank you, have a nice day. Your Arrestin

16 Ways of Knowing You're in the Desert You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. You can say 110 degrees without fainting. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. You can make instant sun tea. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. It's July, it's noon, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets. You actually burn your hand

It was Christmas, and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "Surely that's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened."

Touring Ireland's countryside with a group of travel writers, we passed an immaculate cemetery with hundreds of beautiful headstones set in a field of emerald-green grass. Everyone reached for their cameras when the tour guide said the inventor of the crossword puzzle was buried there. He pointed out the location, "Three down and four across."

One radio station prank took place on April Fool's Day. They announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the phone lines that afternoon. They do it, as it seems, by blowing air into the wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone and could dirty the rugs or furniture in your house. Consequently, the phone company asks that the good citizens please get plastic bags and put them over the handsets of the telephones to protect their belongings. Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the radio station retract the original claim.

Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very hard to get one for the kiddies. A radio station (I don't know where) announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this particular city. The plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be dropped onto the field. People were supposed to hold their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts. People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door. "Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one." "Okay," says the butcher, "let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. "That one is too skinny. What else have you got?" says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man. "Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You'd better give me both of them

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what you order: pepper only."

On our last venture out for Christmas shopping, we had bought a few gadgets for the younguns and then realized we didn't have any batteries. I stepped over to the counter to get the batteries, but I couldn't attract any clerk's attention. I waited a while then said to April, "I'll get someone's attention. Stay right here." With that, I pulled out a tape measure I just happened to have with me, and started to "measure" one of those large screen plasma television sets. You know, the ones that go for about $4000. Amazingly, a clerk almost leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side. "Sir! Can I help you?" he exclaimed. "Yeah, you can. I'll take 8 of those batteries over

An engaged couple met with their pastor to set the date for their wedding. During the meeting, the pastor asked them whether they preferred to have a contemporary or a traditional service. They chose a contemporary service. On the day of the big event there was a major storm, which caused the groom to take a different route to the church. Since the streets were flooded, he rolled up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom replied. "I think I would prefer the t

Q. What do elfs learn while in school? A. The elfabet!

Ted and Alice were thrilled when their long wait to adopt a baby finally came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had an adorable German baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped at the local college so they could enroll in night classes. After they completed filling out the form, the registrar inquired, "What possessed you to study German?" "We've just adopted a wonderful German baby boy and in a year or so, he'll begin to talk. We want to make sure we're able to understand him!" the couple proudly explained.