Farmer John was taking his cow and it's newborn calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however, left the newborn calf behind. Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a long stick and started whipping the calf with it. 'Why are you thrashing the poor calf?' his neighbors asked? To which farmer John replied, 'I had to tel

Two crisps are walking down the road when a car pulls up alongside and the driver leans out and says "Do you fancy a lift?". The crisps reply, "No thanks we're Walkers".

Q.What is the speed limit for sex? A. 68, at 69 you have to turn around!

GAT (Gangsta Aptitude Tess) The following exam was administered as an Ebonics version of the SAT 1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet. You can buy: A dime and two 40's B. A new pair of Fila's C. Dashikki down the block D. Yo mama 2) It's tha end of da monf again and da man is on your jack for da rent. You: A. Bust a cap in his ass B. Say, "Shit man, why you all up in ma bidness?" C. Have anuther kid on welfare D. Yo mama 3) You and ya holmes are banging down da block when yall scam da uther mo fo's commin your way. If ya both jaking your hydros, and both yall draw yur gats, which of da following happens: A. Shit goes down in da hood B. Ya chec

10. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 9. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 8. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 7. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 6. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" pee

14. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor; then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?" 13. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast. 12. Take in a wineskin filled with water. Stand and slowly squeeze it out into the toilet, every 15-20 seconds moan or sigh. 11. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." 10. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuousl

'The Romance of Leprosy', E Mackerchar 1949 'Why bring that up? a guide to seasickness', J F Montague 1936 'Penetrating Wagner's Ring', John L Di Gaetanao 1978 'Constipation & our Civilization', J C Thomson 1943 'A pictorial book of tongue coating', Anon 1981 'A Government committee of Enquiry on the Light metal artificial Leg', Captain Henery Hulme & Chisholm Baird 1923 'Daddy was an undertaker', McDill, McGown & Gassman 1952 'Amputation Stumps: Their care & after-treatment', Sir Godfrey Martin Huggins 1918 'A Study of Masturbation & its reputed Sequelae', J F W Meagher 1924 'Sex after Death', B J Ferrell & D E Frey 1983

"He who laughs last, doesn't get the joke."

The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seams

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk." 9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 8. The cat is on Valium. 7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. 6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated. 5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. 4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners. 3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials. 2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash. 1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 5. You want to see if it's like the dream. 6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 10. No one steals your chair.

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, "Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah." Sarah said, "Cows have spots." Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport." Carla said, "Computers are electronic." Bobby said, "Urinate." Mrs. Flebs said, "Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence." Bobby said, "Not urinate, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten."