An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal... Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a close by man, "Can you help me point my penis?" The man reluctantly accepted but decided not to look at the man's penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, "Hey! I'm grabbing it right? So I should look, I have a right" He looks down at the man's member and sees that is beyond hideous. Startled, he jumps back and lets go, asking, "What the hell is wrong with it?" The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but I ain't touchin' it," and walks away.

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?" The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says, "And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from falling out of bed."

Bob: Did you get the tickets? Fred: What tickets? Bob: To the Gun Show! Well, let's see now, I think they're both pretty good, but...this one has it!

Ah...all the good things we get out of electricity: the T.V., computer, coffee machine, lights, and much more. What happens when the electricity goes out? You stop complaining that you can't watch T.V. or send an E-mail, and go buy battery-powered things!

A student said to Professor Stigler: "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Original Lyric Put your left foot in, Your left foot out, Your left foot in, And shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey, And turn yourself around That's what it's all about. Shakespearean Style. O proud left foot, that ventures quick within, Then soon upon a backward journey lithe. Anon, once more the gesture, then begin: Command sinistral pedestal to writhe. Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke; A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl. To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke. Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl. The Hoke, the poke - banish now thy doubt. Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. When she walked back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in be

Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'" Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"

The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."

A woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. "How much is it?" she asked the storekeeper. "14 cents," answered the storekeeper to the lady. "14 cents! For what?" asked the lady. The storekeeper explained: "The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents." "I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11." "What are you saying?" "As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11. I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 child