Once there was a woman taking a shower when she heard a knock on door. A voice called, "It's me, the fireman." So the woman wrapped a towel around herself and went to the door. The fireman said, "Congratulate me, I just put out a fire!" So the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. Then she heard another knock on her door and a voice called, "It's me, the policeman". So the woman wrapped a towel around herself and went to the door. The policeman said, "Congratulate me, I just caught a robber". So the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. But before long she heard another knock on her door and a voice called, "It's me, the blind man," so she didn't bother putting

Hey, everyone, listen up, your attention if you please. We wanna give you a warning, 'Cause I found out this morning, About a dangerous, insidious computer virus. If you should get it, an email with the subject, 'stinky cheese', Better off protecting your chances, Under no circumstances, should you open it, Or else it will... Translate your documents into Swahili, Make your TV record "Gigli", Neuter your pets, and give you laundry static cling, Look out! It's gonna make your computer screen freeze, Look out! Erase the Easter eggs off your DVDs, Look out! Erase your hard drive and your backups too, And the hard drive of anyone related to you! Virus alert! Delete immediate

Uh huh ... extra cheese Uh huh, uh huh ... save a piece for me Pizza party at your house I went just to check it out Nineteen extra larges What a shame No one came Just us eatin' all alone You said, Take the pizza home No sense lettin' all this go to waste So then I faced Pizza all day And every day This cheese 'round the clock Is gettin' me blocked And I sure don't care For irregularity Tell me Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? 'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated In the bathroom ... I sit and I wait and I strain And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated? No no no I was feelin' pretty d

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3am one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State T

During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested. A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief t

A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead. A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His mistake was flashing a knife at a security g

1. Chuck Norris beat the brick wall in tennis. 2. The boogy man does not wait for chuck norris, Chuck Norris waits for the boogy man.

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. The cemetary must be the best place on earth; people are dying to get in there. 4. Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously; no-one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,

This is true! In a speech George W. Bush made in 2001 he concluded: But all in all, my wife and I have had a wonderful year! (2001 was the year that the Twin Towers were destroyed)

How do you get pikachu on a bus? You pokemon.

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps,free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby."Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead . Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation,"What can you learn