It's okay to kiss a fool, and it's also okay to let a fool kiss you. But NEVER let a kiss fool you!

Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple; when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to

ALL DIET FAQ's answered... Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates. com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastard. New Rule: Ladies

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets wi

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" "You're coming empty handed?"

THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE: 1. Wear a top hat and make sure you sit in front of kids. 2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!" 3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses. 4. Clap when the good guy gets killed. 5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..." 6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juicy Fruits for your asthma. 7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?" 8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devoius, say, "Watch out!" 9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes. 10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding. 11. Yell out what is going to happen. 12. Tell the man next to you that y

Tips for calling a business that has an answering service. When you get the answering service, please remember these vital tips. 1) When you call a lockout company, make sure you give the operator the telephone number on your account. It's considered proper procedure for the locksmith to drive to the office to look up an alternate number where you'll be at, and then drive to you. I believe it's quicker that way too. 2) After giving your last name to the operator on the line, and they ask for your first, It's ok to just say Mr or Mrs. Your voice can be deceiving as some people just may not have hit puberty by age 45. 3) If you're calling your apartment complex because your toilet is ov

Ben and Zero are talking when Ben says, "Hey, Zero, if you can tear this piece of paper in half, I'll give you a quarter." Zero then proceeds to tear the paper in half. Ben takes one of the halves, tears it in half, and gives it to Zero, saying, "Here's your quarter!" Zero wanders off, saying how neat that is and wouldn't it be great to find someone else to pull this on. He meets Tommy, and says, "If you can tear this piece of paper in half, I'll give you 25 cents..."

A large two-engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

Did you ever watch the Food Network? Ya, they cook stuff that you won't even think about cooking, and afterwards you don't even bother to even remember it. People just sit at home and drool... It's like porno for fat people.