One day St. Peter visited Hell to make certain that the sinners were being adequately punished. During his tour he noticed that Hitler was standing in feces up to his chin. Surprisingly, the Fuhrer was smiling. "I don't understand," sasid St. Peter. "How can you smile when you'll be spending all of eternity in excrement?" Hitler replied, "I'm smiling because I'm standing on Mussolini's shoulders."

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me. Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go." Server: "Is that it?" Me: "Yep." Server: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?" Me: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.] At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is stil

Two people are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced 'Havaii' or 'Hawaii'. So they stood there arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. They asked the gentleman: "Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced 'Havaii' or 'Hawaii'?" The gentleman said, "Havaii." So they looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, "Thank you." The gentleman replied, "You're velcome!"

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Once upon a time, a man happened upon a magical lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. "Are you going to give me three wishes?" the man asked. "No," said the genie. "I am a rare and mystical question genie. I am way more honorable than a simple wish genie! You may ask me three questions." The man thought for a while about what he wanted to ask. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity to unlock the secrets of the world. Finally, he said, "Okay, here's what I want to know: What is the cure for the common cold? How can perpetual motion be created? And where can a fuel source, that is clean and reusable and will replace all the others, be found?" The genie nodded and walked off. Puzzle

Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

A 100 year old man sits on the edge of his bed on the day of his 100th birthday. He looks down at his feet and says "well feet, you're 100 years old today!" He then looks at his hands and says, "well hands, you are 100 years old today." He goes into the bathroom, looks in the mirror, and says, "well face, you are 100 years old today." He then goes over to the toilet to relieve himself, and looks down at his penis and says, "Well old buddy, if you would have made it, you would have been 100 years old today!"

Made up this joke myself.. Please laugh. When I go all the way blind (2/3 the way there now); my Mommie's gonna give me a new kitty and tell me that I can only play with it outside & in the street. The Kittie's name is Pe-Pe-La-Pugh. She tell's me it's black & white. Love that kitty. Rhhhhhhhhh!

This is funny.

What can you break without saying its' name? Silence...Shhh!

Mystery All my life has been a mystery You and I were never ever meant to be Thats why I call my love for you... a mystery. Different country You and I have always lived in different countries And I know that airline tickets don't grow on a tree So what kept us apart is plain for me to see That part at least, is not really much of a mystery. Estuary I live on a houseboat on an estuary Which is handy for my work with the port authority But I'm sure you would have found it Insanit-ery Insanit-ery Headed me I am foolish to ignore the possibilty That if we actually met, you might have a taken a really violent dislike of me But thats not the only problem I can see Dead since 1993 You've been

A man's mother-in-law moves in with him. About two weeks later, he comes home and discovers her lying on the floor of the living room. He calls 911 and they send the ambulance over, and the ambulance rushes the woman to the hospital. The man is pacing the waiting room. A doctor finally comes out to speak with him. The doctor says, "I have good news, and bad news." The man replies, "Well, tell me the good news first." The doctor says, "Your mother-in-law sustained a major heart attack, but she didn't die. In fact she will probably live another 20 to 30 years. She unfortunately lost her ability to speak, and she will make this awful screeching and squawking noise, like a parrot. She has al