I was talking to my sister's boyfriend one day and I asked him if prettyful was a word. He said, "Well, I use it a lot. Whenever I've just eaten and someone asks me if I'm hungry, I say 'I'm pretty full."

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist - probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy as

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man replied, "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed. 2. All Polar Bears are left-handed. 3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar Bear. 1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles. 2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles. 3. Work stuffs up your eyesight. 1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second. 2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second. 3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant.

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past

1. Look before you leap He who hesitates is lost 2. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again Don't beat your head against a brick wall 3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder Out of sight, out of mind 4. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today Don't cross the bridge until you come to it 5. Two heads are better than one Paddle your own canoe 6. More haste less speed Time waits for no man 7. You're never too old to learn You can't teach an old dog new tricks 8. A word to the wise is sufficient Talk is cheap 9. It's better to be safe than sorry Nothing ventured, nothing gained 10. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth Beware of Greeks bearing gifts 11. Do unto others as

What do you call Santa when he's been to the beach? Sandy Claus!

A student on a class trip to the natural-history museum asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard tells him, "Three-million-four years and six months old." The student says. "How do you know that so precisely?" The guard says, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

"Charles the First walked and talked half an hour after his head was cut off." Make sense? It should be- "Charles the First walked and talked. Half an hour after, his head was cut off."

Everybody knows about the kangaroo, the tall marsupial that lives in Australia, but when settlers first went there, they were amazed and had never seen anything like them. They asked an aborigine what the animals were called. He replied, "Kangaroo," so that is what the settlers called them. Little did they know, kangaroo is an aboriginal phrase meaning, "I don't understand your question."

An Irish guy was digging a hole in his front lawn, when his neighbour walks by and says, "Hey, Patrick, what are you doing?" "Digging a hole," said Patrick. "What's wrong with the hole next to it?" said his neighbour. "That one wasn't deep enough," said Patrick.