Here are some favorite sayings from people all over the world. Doctor: Oops. Secretary: I'm pregnant! Travel Agent: I know what you did last summer... Michael Jackson: I didn't do it! Bill Clinton: I didn't do it! Oh wait...Yes, I did. Computer Programmer: H0w d0 y0u w0rk th15 "Ch355" g4m3?? 1 N33D H3LP!!!111// Pilot: Are we there yet? Mad Scientist: I like Cows! Cell Phone Tester: Can you hear me now? Video Gamer: Can the line lag any further?

Why did the chicken cross the road? There weren't any cars coming!

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfie. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged, so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened, so they set him free. The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet, as this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi ca

An old Native American wanted a loan of $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?" "Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man. "What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book. "Don't know of collateral." "Well, that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup." The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse." "How old is it?" "I don't know; it has no teeth." Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back i

. We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner". We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, the

Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When she cries!" she told them. "When she cries?" they gasped

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed that a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, twin brothers, who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" The general gets all excited, t

An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere in Nevada when his car breaks down. He examines it and finds that a technician must be called, but the chief has only $4 and no credit card. So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure of its meaning, signals back - once again, with smoke: "OK, chief, but why so much?" At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky. The tribe signals: "Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, no need to get mad!"

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52, however, continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "I'm waiting, what are you going to do?" "We just shut down two engines."

A parachute used once, but has never been open!