Three men, a Scotsman, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were given a sentence of life inprisonment for manslauter in Saudi Arabia. When they got to the trial the judge said, "It is my daughter's birthday, so you will only be lashed 100 times." They went to the whipman and he said, "Today is my birthday, you may all have a wish" The Frenchman, who went firstm said, "I would like a pillow strapped to my back. "He got 33 painless lashes until the pillow broke. He then got hit 77 times on his back. The Scotsman asked for two pillows. He got 66 painless lashes until the pillows broke. Then got 34 whips on his back. The whipman said to the englishman, "England is a noble country, therefore you

This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water. Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium. She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action. 'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.

I found this on a can of Juicey-Juice 100% Juice. Just add water.

A quite sobered-up drunk is at Sunday mass listening to a long boring sermon. Feeling still hungover and tired, he finally nods out hoping no one will notice. The priest has been watching him all along and at the end of the sermon, decides to make an example out of him. "Who in this room would like a place in heaven, please stand up," he exclaims. The whole room stands up, except, of course, for one. Obviously displeased, he now says loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP." The man, catching only the last part, groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing up. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Fathe

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? A: One drunk Irishman

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 14 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes ------------------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 15 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ------------------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein

"Is that right, that you Dubliners always answer a question with another question?" "Now, who would be telling you that?"

WARNING: SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND THIS RACIST, ALTHOUGH I MEAN NO OFFENCE. What do you call a Pakistani in a microwave? Ba-ding!!!

A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided the next time he did something offensive they would all stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African natives, the professor leered and said, "You'll be interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a cock twelve inches long." The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door. The professor sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

A gang of counterfeiters get a new extremely expensive printing machine, and at great expense, buy some plates, which they were assured were 99.9% perfect. They buy a large consignment of paper which also was virtually identical to the real paper. Gleefully, they switch on the machine and print a few off. They were delighted with the quality of the paper, the inks, and the printing itself - it would fool the best investigators in the whole world - if it wasn't for the fact that the notes were all £18 notes! What were they to do? Eventually, someone suggested going over to Ireland, and changing some of their £18 notes - those stupid Irish wouldn't realise they were being conned! A few d

- Only in America can a pizza guy get to your door faster than an ambulance. - Why do slow-down and slow-up mean the same thing? - Why are wise man and wise guy opposites? - Why is it that when stuff goes on a truck it's called a shipment and on a boat it's called cargo? - Why do we drive in a parkway and park in a driveway? - Why do we press harder on things when we know the batteries are dead?

A guy goes up to his best friend and says, "Dude, I need you to do something for me, no questions asked." "Okay," says the friend. "What is it?" "I said no questions!"