Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley are the two richest men in town, and also the two meanest, foulest bad guys for many miles around. They would cheat and swindle anyone that they could. One day Seamus dies, and Mike goes to the priest. "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You will give the eulogy for my brother and in that eulogy, you are going to say 'Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint'." "I will do no such a thing," says the priest. "It would be a lie." "I know that you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose." The priest is in a dilemma. "And if I pledge to say those words," he says, "you'll sig

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter says, "You look like Albert Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths people will go to in order to sneak into heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk, please?" St. Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and some chalk instantly appear. Einstein describes, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity. St. Peter is very impressed. "You really are Albert Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" When Pablo Picasso arrives, once again St. Peter asks for credentials. Picasso says, "May I use that blackboard and chalk?" St. Peter says, "Go ahead."

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A woman in a cafe had ordered turtle soup, but changed her mind and asked for pea soup instead. She heard the waiter call, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!" At the next table, a man ordered the fish, but when the waiter brought it, he was holding the fish on the plate. When asked why he was holding it on the plate, he said he didn't want it to fall on the floor again.

I had a part in the local repertory company's Shakespeare week, and was allocated the dressing room that was next to the large room shared by three of the actresses. One day, a friend of mine was visiting me when he drew my attention to the fact that there was a small hole in the dividing wall. "You can see right through into next door!" he exclaimed. "Ah, let 'em look," I said.

Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., The Incredible Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Super Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman, Captain Invincible on a good day. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g.,Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Sweetiepie. Don't choose the name of

What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger? Fast food!

What is the similarity between Michael Jackson and a Playstation 2? They both are made of plastic, and they both get turned on by kids.

What does the hot dog say after winning a race? I'm a WIENER!!!

What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "spit your gum out" and a train says "choo choo!!"

I was walking around in the movies with my friends and we saw this one teenager. His pants were falling down, so I said to my friends, "God, these kids nowadays! I thought a rapper died and the kid decided to put his pants half-staff!"

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."