Man 1: "Why have you painted your car red on one side and blue on the other?" Man 2: "So that if I bang into anyone, the witnesses will have a marvellous time in court contradicting each other!"

A man at the movies had left his seat to buy an ice-cream. On his return he said to an old lady sitting at the end of the row, "I'm sorry, but did I step on your toe a minute ago?" The woman angrily replied "Yes, you certainly did!" "Oh," said the man, "Then this is my row."

The woman in a theatre box-office was surprised one evening just before the show at the behavior of one man. He bought a ticket, went away, and then returned a few minutes later to buy another one. He went away again, returned and bought a third ticket. Then he went away yet again, returned and bought a fourth ticket! By now the show had started, so the woman in the box-office said "I hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you keep coming back and buying more tickets?" "Every time I try to get in to the auditorium," he replied, "some jerk takes my ticket and tears it in half!"

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

There was a farmer who grew watermelons, and every week he would check on his crop, and would find that the local kids had got into his field and eaten as many watermelons as they could. This went on for some time, and eventually the man got fed up replacing the missing watermelons. After some thought, he came up with an idea. He made a sign and placed it in the field; the sign read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide!" He feels pleased with himself, thinking that will stop the theft of his crop. A couple of days later, he returns, and the watermelons are all there; but in the distance, he sees another sign. He walks over to the sign, and reads, "No

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner and asked, "How much is the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat; a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner. The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat - and I won't be bringing it back." As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a littl

My granddad was a very unlucky man. He made a soft drink, and called it 1-up, but it didn't sell. He made another, called it 2-up, which also didn't sell. He tried yet another, called it 3-up. He got to 6-up, and quit.

Why is it that every time we blow our noses, we look inside the tissue afterwards? Are we expecting something other than boogers? Or are we checking to make sure they have not run off?

Ok. I honestly saw this on a billboard: Illiterate? Call this number to learn how to read.

Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with two black sheep under each arm? A: A pimp

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley are the two richest men in town, and also the two meanest, foulest bad guys for many miles around. They would cheat and swindle anyone that they could. One day Seamus dies, and Mike goes to the priest. "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You will give the eulogy for my brother and in that eulogy, you are going to say 'Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint'." "I will do no such a thing," says the priest. "It would be a lie." "I know that you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose." The priest is in a dilemma. "And if I pledge to say those words," he says, "you'll sig