3 guys are driving down the road and realize that they all have to use the bathroom very badly. They come around a corner and see a sign "Green Gables next right". So thye take the right turn and come up to Green Gables, they all jump out of the car and run insode to see if they can use the washroom. They are greeted by a nice old lady who says sure they can use the washroom. The first guy runs up stairs and sits on the toilet and immediatley notices a hole in the floor at his feet with a table under it. All of a sudden he hears "Hey Hey I'm the ghost of Green Gables lay your money on the tables." He grabs all his money and throws it down the hole and runs back down stairs. When he ge

How do the chinese get their names? Their parents kick a can down the street... ching chang chung bing....

Your face is so ugly, we're going to war over it.

One time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!

one of my friends was in trouble because he had sex with his teacher, but the bad part is he's home schooled

1.) Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. 2.) A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. 3.) Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. 4.) For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 5.) Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. 6.) Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. 7.) Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. 8.) Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. 9.) We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it care

Once, I was walking along our road and saw a man who appeared to be very old and well-lived sitting in a rocking chair. Surely, I thought, this man had all the answers. So I asked, "How did you live to such a healthy old age?" He said, "I do lots of drugs, eat lots of sugars and fats, I smoke, and I never exercise." "Wow," I said, "how old are you again??" "I'm 22."

If Ida Lupino married George Wendt, then divorced him to marry Ted Danson, divorced him to marry Alan Alda, then divorced him to marry Ted Knight, and divorced him to marry Shelly Long, she'd be Ida Wendt Danson Alda Knight Long. If Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushing, she'd be Whoopi Cushing. If Swoosie Kurtz married Patrick Swayze, she'd be Swoosie Swayze. If Flip Wilson married Les Aucoin, he'd be Flip Aucoin. If Barbara Hershey married John Candy, divorced him to marry Roseanne Barr, she'd be Barbara Hershey Candy Barr. If Julie Emry married Jeff Gillooly, divorced him to marry Darlene Hooley, then divorced her to marry Wes Cooley, she'd be Julie Gillooly Hooley Cooley. If Ivana

In this age of political correctness we must reajust our terms. People are no longer concidered gay, here are two better options: Good: A wanabe transvestite Best: Heterosexually challenged.

1. Walk to your neighbor's house and ask in your best British accent, "May I borrow a cup of pants?" 2. Go over to a friend's house, take off your shirt, put on one of theirs and leave. 3. When a telemarketer calls, say, "Welcome to Hell! Satan speaking, how may we reap your soul today?" 4. Randomly say quotes from the movie Anchorman out of context. 5. Wake up really early. Sneak into your neighbor's house, get the newspaper, brew up some coffee, make breakfast, and wait for him to see you. Then scream and promptly exclaim, "What are you doing in my house?!?!?!"

The old Lord of the Manor was finally on his death-bed, and had called his servants to his bed-side. To his butler, he said, "Jeeves, you have been with me now for nearly 40 years, and for your loyal service I shall leave you Ashley Hall, with its 74 rooms, and a 100% pension." "Thank you, your lordship," said Jeeves. Turning to the house-keeper, "Jurby, you have been in my employ for 25 years, and for your excellent running of the house, I leave you Grantley Hall with its 42 rooms, and a 75% pension." "Thank you, your lordship," said Jurby. Finally, he turned to the chauffeur, "Parker, you have been with me now for 6 months, and in that time you have crashed my 1912 Rolls Royce, blown up

An elderly lady went to a butcher's shop one day, and noticed that on the liver in the window were two white balls. Being of a curious nature, she asked what these white balls might be, to be told that they were golf balls, and that placing them on the liver kept them supple. She returns the following week, when there were four of these white balls lying on the liver. "So you've shot another golfer, then?"