3 men were on the way to Heaven, but God would only let the man with the worst death in. The first man says, "Well, I was on the way to my apartment because I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So when I got to my apartment on the 3rd story, my wife was in the shower, but there was a guy hanging from a window sill. I step on his fingers, but he didn't budge. So I took a hammer and smashed his fingers so he fell, but wasn't dead. So I took the refrigerator and threw it down on him. I got a heart attack because it was the first time I killed someone." The second man says, "I was climbing down the stairs of my apartment on the 4th story when I tripped, and I was hanging on a window sill. A g

Two women were sitting beside each other in the airport. "Where are you flying to?", the woman on the right asked. With an attitude, the other replied "You should never end a sentece with the word 'to'". "Ok", said the woman on the right. "Where are you flying to, bitch?"

A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. "Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What's wrong with me, Doc?". "It's simple. You're just two tents".

I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.

I didn't mean to agitate the police officer. Water balloons are good fun, but he had to get all mad. Then he grabbed that metal baton thingy. That's a lot less fun than a water balloon. I even said "think fast!" He didn't say that to me when he used the baton on my face.

Famous Last Words "We'll be safe here, trust me." "Who cares about the severe weather warning, those forecasters are always wrong anyway." "We're not as high up as it looks, here I'll show you." "Who cares about those heart condition warnings anyway, I wanna ride this thing!" "My friend did this a while ago. I don't know how it turned out, I haven't seen him since." "It's just a slight tingle." "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!???"

THE SEQUELS CONTINUE (these are all by me by the way) "Hmm... Let's go for the gusto today!" "Here's my ticket to fame, fortune, and Ripley's Beleive it or Not!" "I'm not as think as you drunk I am!" "Gotta match?" "Now, why in the name of God's green Earth did I do that?!" "We'll just mix these two together and that should...!" "No honey, there's no one in your closet. Now go to sleep. Quit crying. Here, I'll look just to make sure." "It's the red wire, right? The blue wire? There is no blue wire. The black one then? You're so wishy-washy. Here I'll just cut them both!" "Wow. A real dud grenade! Can I pick it up?" "Hey what's with the mask! I'm just visiting the hospital! Zzzzzzzz

Why are constipated people so mean and rude? ..because they don't give a crap!

What do hookers and bungee jump cords have in common? They're both cheap, fast and if the rubber breaks, your dead!

Once upon a time 5 Indians captured 3 Americans and they said to go get fruit or they'll beat them up. The 1st guy comes back with apples and the Indians tell him to shove 10 apples up his butt. He says "Ok - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." then he dies and goes to Heaven. The 2nd guy comes back with oranges and he was told the same. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9..." then he bursts out laughing and laughs himself to death and he goes to Heaven. The 2 guys meet in Heaven and the 1st one says "why did you stop? you were so close!" "Because I saw the 3rd guy, he had pineapples!!!"

What is the name for a bandaid on a pumpkin? A pumpkin patch!

There were three guys on the C.N. tower and the tour guide told them that if either one of them could throw their watches over the side and run down and catch it, they would win 1 million dollars. The first guy threw his watch over and when he got down, it was shattered into a million pieces. The same thing happened to the second guy. The third guy threw his watch over, went home and got a shower, had his dinner, and came back and caught his watch. The all wondered how he did it and he said, " I set it two hours slow"