There was a man who went to buy some guns. The salesman at the store asked what he wanted to shoot. He said, "Cans" So the salesman asked, "What kind of cans?" "Ameri-cans, Afri-cans,,,,"

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. < 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

Barbie c/o Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA 90245 To: Santa Claus North Pole, North Pole Dear Santa: Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list! 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. H

Why is a circle so hot???? Because it's 360 degrees!!!

Patient:"Doctor,my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." Psychiatrist: "Rubbish! I like sausages too." Patient: Good,you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds."

One day, a man goes to a hotel. There is only one room left; room #30. Wondering what was the problem with that room, he agrees to use that room and is shown the room. He is left with a warning: To never look under the rug. That night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's under the rug. So he gets up, and peeks under the rug. It's a trapdoor. "OK, I can live with that," he says to himself, and goes to bed. The next night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's under the trapdoor. So he gets up, removes the rug, and opens the trapdoor. He sees a really, really long staircase. "OK, I can live with that," he says to himself, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed. The next

A girl was eating lunch in the cafeteria and she was laughing and talking to all friends. But as you know, it is very distracting to talk while you're eating. So she goes to put a french fry into her mouth and before anyone notices, she looks down because, you guessed it, she missed her mouth. Turns out everyone at the table had seen her do it. As the table bursts out laughing, someone says, "I do that all the time. I go to take a drink of water and I miss." Someone else said, "You have a hole in your lip." From the other end of the table someone yells "Who has a whore on their cheek?"

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied. "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir." "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain. "Throw out another anchor, sir." "Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?" "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops. Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card. "One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'" People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norri

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it. Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming. Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby. Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet. Before sliced bread, people used to say "Th

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands. On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000 The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame Chuck Norris doesn't use after-shave, he uses hot liquid magma. When Chuck Norris found this web-site while surfing the internet, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly, including this one You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you're Chuck Norris No matter what your m

Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow. Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about! Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own. Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit. Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius. The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris. The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat. The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard. When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't