There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives. When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon. One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist. Chuck Norris doesn't say, "Who's your daddy?", because he knows the answer. Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face. Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does. The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while vi

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball. According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood. Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...forty seven times. The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime. Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always. Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rip

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight. Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists. In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man. Chuck

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels. For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed. Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi. Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class. Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep. Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can. Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie. Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate. Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in wh

A newfie is walking down Yonge street in Toronto and sees a store front. The only thing inside are 2 guys sitting on stools. The newfie walks in and says "Hey what are you guys selling?" The one guy, recognizing the accent as being newfie, says "we're selling assholes!" The newfie responds "HOLY SHIT! Business must be good; you only have 2 left!!

Q: How many Newfie farmers does it take to milk a cow? A: 5...One to hold the utter and four to lift the cow up and down, up and down.

"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man, wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street, into a damp dark alley. I followed. "What are you selling?" I asked. "Geometrical algebra drugs." "Huh!?" "Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers..." "Stop right there," I interrupted. "I've never heard of inside-outers." "Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day." "Go on..." "OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones," he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills. "What are those, then?" I as

A man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The man asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The little old man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your shirt." The man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I wi

The farmer's son was returning from the market, with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden, the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood, scooping up the wayward birds, and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

...I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. ...I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. ...I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. ...I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. ...I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. ...I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable, regardless of the amount of time given. ...I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly