Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display inch-high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress"). All computers a

Q: Where do spiders go to learn new words? A: WEB-sters dictionary!!

IDIOTS IN SERVICE This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?). IDIOTS AT WORK I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete

It can buy a bed - but not sleep It can buy a clock - but not time It can buy you a book - but not knowledge It can buy you a position - but not respect It can buy you medicine - but not health It can buy you blood - but not life So you see, money isn't everything, and it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering....... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you!!

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear. 2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim. 3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts. 4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie. 5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. 6. Please don't drive when you're not driving. 7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed. 8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mi

There Is an old lady who lives in a 14 story hotel. She lives on the 14th floor. Every morning, she goes down into the lobby, gets cereal and goes on a walk. On mornings when it is raining, she uses the elevator all of the way up to get to her room after she goes on her walk. On mornings when it is not raining after she's eaten, she only goes to floor 7 and then uses the stairs to walk the rest of the way up. Why? Because she is a midget. On mornings when it is raining, she has her umbrella to go on the walk so she can use the umbrella to touch the top button in the elevator. When it isnt raining, she doesn't have her umbrella and she can only reach the button for floor 7.

What amimal walks with its feet on its head? a flea.

A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "Well, I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that?" Guy says, "That's how you cut it last time."

Once there was a guy who didn't know which train station would take him to L.A. So, he asked a guy nearby,"What train takes me to L.A? The left, or right train?" The answer was, "If you go to the right one, you'll be left and if you go to the left one, you'll be right."

Why does a man wear two pairs of pants when he goes golfing? He might get a hole in one!

Once I went to visit my cousin in Jersey and I was looking for his house and when I found his house I rang the doorbell and like I said, "Hey cuz" and he answered I'm not your cousin. Then I said, "Yes I am, and then he closes the door on me. So I like call my mom, right? Then I like say, "Mom, my cousin says he's not my cousin." Then my mom says, "You don't have a cousin in Jersey." And I'm like, "Oh cool", and then I got a fox.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off". "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirat