IF I LOST A DOLLAR FOR EVERY BRAIN YOU HAVE, I WOULD BE IN DEBT

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

1 JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son. 2 MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread. 3 HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again. 4 HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock. 5 There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad........ She got

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer; just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. I mean, who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in hu

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about. 1) Can you cry under water? 2) How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 3) What disease did cured ham actually have? 4) How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? 5) Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? 6) Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? 7) Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? 8) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? 9) I

Why, Oh Why, Oh Why . . . Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles

You Know You're From Connecticut When... You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party. You never went to a bar in high school. You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84. You thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm You actually thought that Hartford was big You or someone you know has attended UCONN You drive a JETTA You still think that the Whalers are cool. You have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place. There is a farm within miles of your house You thought bars were really for people over 21 Your high school thanksgiving football game was the highlight of your school year. You don't have an accent when

You Know You're From Westchester When... You go to a Dave Matthews Band concert and end up running into people you know from your school. Half the people in your school mysteriously develop inner-Queens accents during 7th and 8th grade. Starbucks is a regular stop for you. You say Abercrombie & Fitch makes you want to puke, yet you sport at least one outfit from the store each week NYU is your top choice for college. If you go to Catholic school, you know everyone at all the Catholic schools in Westchester. If you go to public school you still manage to know everyone at all the Catholic schools in Westchester. Below 1400 is a "so-so" SAT score You claim to hate your school, but

What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush!

Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you!!!