Last summer, my husband, Bill, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bill tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. Bill pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp. "That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?" "Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."

I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic. I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly and was told, "In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in the shade."

My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking a 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswind. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?" The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."

Guy: I'm having a problem with it. Girl: That's not surprising, it's very hard when you first learn. Guy: It's not working. I can't get it up. Girl: You just have to relax. It'll happen. You just have to work at it. Guy: Alright, I'm supposed to do what with my tongue again?? Girl: Your tongue is the key, you have to use it like a tool. You have to know where to put your tongue where it's needed. Feel for problem areas. Guy: pbpbpbpb. man. this sucks. Girl: Try again. just go slower. Guy: Its too hard! Girl: Soften it up. Guy: Show me again? Girl: *shows him* Guy: Alright, let me try now. Girl: Your first time is an experience you'll always remember. I know you can do it!

Here is the difference between guts and balls. Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to just "be there." Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

If Six is afraid of Seven because Seven ate (Eight) Nine, why did Six soon die? Because Six, Seven ate (Eight) (678)

This is a true story: A man was in a grocery store shopping, when he lit a cigarette. The manager walks up to him and politely asks him to extinguish it. The man refuses, saying " Well you sell cigarettes here, dont you?" The store manager replies " Yes sir we do, and we also sell condoms." The man quickly put the cigarette out.

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. ''You've got to have a room somewhere,'' he pleaded. ''Or just a bed, I don't care where.'' ''Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,'' admitted the manager, ''and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.'' ''No problem,'' the tired Marine assured him. ''I'll take it.'' The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. ''How'd you sleep?'' asked the manager. ''Never better.'' The manager was impressed. ''No problem with the oth

What do you call a mouth without any teeth?- Grandma

Two friends, Al and Mike, were walking through the woods, when suddenly a snake jumped up and bit Mike on the penis. He was quickly down on the ground writhing in pain, so Al yelled,"Wait here while I run and get help!" So Al runs into town, gets to the doctors office, and tells him what happened. The doctor tells him he cannot leave the office, but told Al he would need to bite open the wound and suck out all of the venom. Al runs back into the woods, and finds Mike still writhing in pain. "What did the doctor say?" asked Mike. And Al told him, "The doctor says you're gonna die!"

I hate thongs! I mean, come on, Women don't need to floss their butts.