It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win. Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences". The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas". "But, Nurse

A really drunk guy is walking home from the bar and sees a pumpkin patch on the side of the road. He thinks how nice and squishy they must be on the inside, and decides to have a little fun with a pumpkin. He finds a big one, cuts a hole in it, and starts going at it. It must have been getting pretty good because he didn't even notice that a cop car had pulled up, and that an officer was walking right towards him. The cop says "Hey buddy.... Do you know you're screwing a pumpkin?" to which the guy responds, "A pumpkin?!? It's midnight already???"

PHYSICS: John Moonstone and the late Thomas Parnell of the University of Ohio, for patiently conducting an experiment that began in the year 1925 -- in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years. LITERATURE: The Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for creating and then using e-mail to distribute a bold series of monetary tall tales, thus introducing millions of readers to a cast of super rich characters -- General Sani Abacha, Mrs. Sherry Quay Lu, Barrister Jon A. Mbeki Esq., and others -- each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which the

#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that - get the hell out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out; if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.) #2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the governments fault you're starving. #2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them alone.) #2b. If the local store is too looted of food or water, leave your neighbor's tv and stereo alone. (See

One day the goverment desided to see how we get along with other countries so they took an american, a frechman and a chinese guy and put them on an island for a year. They tell the american that he is in charge of building. They tell the frenchman that he is in charge of cooking. Then, finally they tell the chinese guy that he is in charge of supplies. One year later the goverment comes back and the american said: "Let me show you what I have built" and so he does. Then the frenchman said: "Let me show you what I have cooked." Then one of the goverment people asked what happened to the chinese guy and they said that the day that they were given their assigments he dissapeared. So they

Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago. The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half. I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he had bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for bre

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one ha

I came out of a convenience store the other day and some seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little sign: "DEAF & DUMB... Can you spare $10?" Wow! What happened to a dollar or 2? So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him. It said: "I CAN'T READ" and I walked away.