Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The guys go along there, only to be told by receptionist at the hotel that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not happy, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed. That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says, "I dreamt I had the best wank last night." The guy on the left side says, "That's funny, I had the exact same dream!". The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. "Put these on," he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. "There's no way I can wear these - they're way too big," she said. "Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family," replied the husband. Flustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, "Put these on." The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, "There's no way I can get into these." To which the wife replied, "You're damn right! At least not until you change your attitude!"

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane... The lady said to him, "Can you help me remove something from my breast please?" The exciting young man replied, "Wow! It will be my pleasure... So what is it?" "Your eyes, idiot!"

Michael and Beth are married, Beth is a smoker but Michael thinks smoking is horrible. One night she started smoking after they finished having sex and Michael said, "Would you please stop smoking, you're going to kill yourself." Beth, in return, said, "Sometimes I just need to get in a smoke after sex, do you have a problem with that?" He replied, "Yes, because they stunt your growth among other things." Beth asked Michael if he's ever smoked, to which he proudly said no. With a smug Beth lowered her gaze to his groin and said, "So, what's your excuse?"

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

'It is Christmas time and a man and a woman go out for a meal. After the first two courses, everything is well until the dessert. The man messes up and says something inappropriate to the woman while having their Christmas pudding. The woman walks away in anger. Then the man says, "Please don't desert me; this is our first date."'

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give m

My Dad is great at raising kids, if he can remember which are his.

All women are emotional drag queens, and i married their queen

Customer: "I have a big problem. You cut off my head!" Me: "I'm sorry? How did I cut off your head?" (The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.) Me: "Sir, it looks like it was taken that way." Customer: "No it wasn't! My whole head was there when I took it. I'm sure!" Me: "Okay, let me see your memory card..." (The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.) Me: "Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn't in it." Customer: "But it's DIGITAL, can't you fix it?" Me: "You can't create something from nothing." Customer: "But... but.

(I'm ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this...) Me: "Your last name is [name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we're related?" *chuckle* Customer: *very serious* "What is your name?" Me: "Oh, I was joking, we're not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England." Customer: *more serious* "What is your name?" Me: "Uhhh...I'm no–" Customer: "Do you have a brother named [brother's name]?" Me: "Yes, actually..." Customer: "Is your mother [mom's name]?" Me: "Uh, yeah..." Customer: "And your father's name is [my estranged father's name]?" Me: "Well, he's my biological father, yes."