The farmer had 3 daughters; Flo, Betty, and Sam. Each girl had a date that night, but being the overprotective father that he was he had to meet the guy first. so sitting there in his chair with a shotgun he meets the guys. the first walks up and says "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to see the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer allows them to go off, and the next boy comes up. "Hey, my name is Petty, I'm here for Betty, we're getting spaghetti is she ready?" The Farmer allows them to go. Now the last guy comes up. "Hi, I'm Chuck..." and BAM the farmer shoots him

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I've never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I've never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear . . . "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you j

Girl eagerly asks her boyfriend "Where is my birthday gift?" The boyfriend points to a sports car across the street and says "You see that beautiful and expensive Ferrari on the other side of the road?" Girl gets excited and screams, "Yeah!" Boy, also excitedly, says, "Well, I got you the same color nail varnish!"

Husband messages his wife on his cellphone: Hi, wat R U doing honey? Wife replies: I'm dying Husband is delighted and jumps with joy, but texts: OMG! How am I gonna live without u? Wife replies: u idiot. I'm dying my hair Husband: *@&!#*/ English

Guide - I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. This is the world's biggest waterfall and the sound intensity of the waterfalls is so high that even 20 supersonic jet planes passing by cannot be heard. Now, I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagara Falls!

It's my wife's birthday today so I went out earlier in the week and deliberately got her a present that I knew she'd hate. True to form she opened it, took one look and said, "What the fuck would I want with an xbox? I'm going to take this back to the shop and ask for a refund." I can't wait to see her little face when she gets arrested for looting.

What a woman says... This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and You'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now! What a man hears... blah blah blah blah blah C'MON! YOU AND I blah blah blah blah! blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

Honest to God true story. Wife (yelling from upstairs): Honey, I'm naked and the dog is loose in the front yard! Husband (downstairs): Hold on, I'll be right up! She didn't appreciate the humor.

I just wrote this out of boredom. I do not care what you think. If you think this bad, I can't help but say, "Go fuck yourself". A couple had been fighting for quite a while. The husband is just craving for sex. One night when they're in bed: Husband: You know, it's fun. Wife: Huh? Husband: It's fun! Wife: What? What's up with you all of a sudden? What's fun? Husband: It's fun! Wife: What is? Husband: IT'S fun! Wife: Grrr. Fuck you! Husband: YEAH, THAT!

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me . . . then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing; then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help - she tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothin

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his ass!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"