Two executives were talking in the executive washroom. "My wife says I don't display enough passion. Imagine the audacity! I think I'll send her a memo!"

Guys were sitting around a bar talking about things they bet on. A woman down at the end of the bar says, "I bet on things!" The bartender says, "Oh Yeah! What do you bet on?" Woman, "Most anything." Bartender, "Like what for instance?" Woman, "See that wall over there? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!" Bartender, (Thinks about this for a minute) "I'll take that bet! How much do you want to bet?" Woman, "You name your poison." Bartender, "I'll bet you a thousand bucks." Woman, "Ok!" Bartender, "Ladies first." Woman, Pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees. "Your turn," she replies. Bartender, Unzips his pants gets his sure tool out; gets r

A businessman boarded a plane and sat next to Hannah, an elegant woman wearing the largest and most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Egoheimer diamond," Hannah said. "It's beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr Egoheimer."

If you do not want to say you're a guy, do not read this joke. (I do not know if this is funny) Instructions: At the end of each sentence say "I'm a Guy" You meet this hot girl. (I'm a Guy) You ask her out. (I'm a Guy) You take her to the movies. (I'm a Guy) You buy her popcorn. (I'm a Guy) She asks you over. (I'm a Guy) When she closes the door she whispers in your ear. I'M A GUY!!!!!!!!!

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles, and lighten your burden." Boy: "That's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles." Girl: "Yes, well, that's because we aren't married yet."

Louis was talking to his friend Pete. "There's nothing I wouldn't do for my Becky," he said, "and there's nothing Becky wouldn't do for me, and that's how we go through life - doing nothing for each other."

Q. What did God say after creating Adam A. I must be able to do better than that. Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg? A. They won't stop to ask for directions. Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded. Q. How are men and parking spots alike? A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common? A. They are all married.

17. "I finished the Oreo's." 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever." 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl." 12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look l

"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision." "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "I do help

"Judi, did you ever try marriage counseling?" Monika asked. "No," Judi snarled. "That stupid dickhead, shit-for-brains, moronic ex-husband of mind would have just told the counselor I was 'insensitive.'"

A man was entering a store when he noticed a sign out by the window saying that there was a contest. He decided to join and went to the counter, the clerk had left and the man saw a piece of paper on the counter. He picked it up, and said, Answers to the Contest: #1 is dog. #2 is Big Fat Sucker and #3 is Alaska. Host: Okay, you know the rules, for each question you get right, you get one submitting, there will also be a jackpot question, if you get right you will win $500.00 Man: OK, I'm ready Host: Okay, so what is the animal that flys and sucks the blood out of you? Man: A dog! Host: No, it's a vampire bat. Okay, next question, how did George W. Bush describe himself as? Man: A

Mary took her husband Bernie to see a psychiatrist for a check up. After examining him, the doctor took Mary to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone." "I'm not really surprised," Mary replied, "Bernie's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."