Category Jokes - Men / Women
A new bride told her husband she was concerned that their honeymoon suite in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C., might still be bugged from the Watergate scandal days.
The groom agreed to check it out.
He looked behind the drapes, he looked behind the pictures, he looked behind the mirrors, he looked under the rug and... "HEY!" he shouted.
Under the rug was a small plate with four screws! He unscrewed the screws with his knife and threw them and the plate out the window. "There, that takes care of any bugs," he reassured his new bride. And the couple quickly jumped in bed and did what newlyweds do.
The next morning, the hotel manager knocked on their door and asked the couple, "Was
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.
"So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000, you get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What abou
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
How Greeks Do Business
CON talks to his son George.
CON (father): "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
GEORGE (son): "I will choose my own bride!"
CON (father): "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.."
GEORGE (son): "Well, in that case... okay."
Next CON approaches Bill Gates.
CON (father): "I have a husband for your daughter.... "
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
CON (father): "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah! In that case... okay."
Finally, CON goes to see the president of the World Bank.
CON: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!
"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends," the girl told her Aunt. "Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?"
The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."
At a wedding, the D.J. polled the guests to see who had been married the longest.
The winners were then asked, "What advice do you have for the newlyweds?"
The wife quickly responded, "The three most important words in a marriage are 'You're probably right'." Everyone then looked at the husband.
He said, "Yeah, she's probably right!"
MORNING WOOD!
Get ready... this is quite possibly one of the funniest true stories I've read in a long while! No matter how many times I read it, I still can't keep the tears away!
I caution the weak of heart before reading today's joke - you know who you are - so you might as well hit the "delete" key now...
(The author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around, just so I'll mak
He v. She
The family picture is on his desk - Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on her desk - Um, her family will come before her career.
His desk is cluttered - He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
Her desk is cluttered - She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.
He is talking with his co-workers - He must be discussing the latest deal.
She is talking with her co-workers - She must be gossiping.
He's not in the office - He must be meeting a customer.
She's not in the office - She must be out shopping.
He's having lunch with the boss - He's on his way up.
She's having lunch with the boss - They must be having an affair.
Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their ruby wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate. She comes to a decision. "Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. It's called 'Pearl of the Sea,' an intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available. Let's give it a go."
Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye's decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "OK dear."
On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied
Father: "So you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"
Boyfriend: "Not particularly, but since I want to marry your daughter, I haven't much choice!"
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