A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." "TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?

Susan (女，抱着孩子) Vic (调侃) Vic: Finger the baby's ass, if he kicks, he'll be a sorcer, if he screams, he'll be a singer, if he laughs, he'll be a homo. Susan:(笑，然后问)What about a girl? Vic: We finger them when they over 18. ...... 爆笑....

Shakespeare: If you love someone, Set her free .... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, here's the poison, suicide yourself for her. Optimist: If you love someone, Set her free .... Don't worry, she will come back. Suspicious: If you love someone, Set her free .... If she ever comes back, ask her why. Impatient: If you love someone, Set her free .... If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her. Patient: Ig you love someone, Set her free .... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back. Playful: If you love someone, Set her free .... *If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat* C++ Programmer: if(you-love(m_she

I. Why does a man wants to have a WIFE? Because: W = Washing I = Ironing F = Food E = Entertainment. Why does a woman wants to have a HUSBAND? Because: H = Housing U = Understanding S = Sharing B = Buying A = and N = Never D = Demanding. II. HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring Beer. III. How To Impress A Man: Trust him, cook at least

What's the difference between man and life? Life is always hard.

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel

I had been seeing David for a couple of months; he and I both had children from previous marriages. My daughter Amanda has a slight learning disability and is very outspoken. She just tells it like it is and if you don't like it ... oh well. We were all at David's house, sitting on the porch, talking about all the weird things our children do. Not to be outdone, Amanda says, "Oh, you say *we* are weird? Well, Mom, who chased me around the house the other night with her teeth out?" See, I had planned to tell David that I had false teeth, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet. After I turned 40 shades of red, he looked at me and smiled. "Don't worry," he said, "I still love you." Still, I felt

A gentleman came into work one day and he and I felt one of those instant and mutual attractions to one another. He gave me his card and told me to call him. Well, it just so happened that his card had his home address on it, so I thought I would just check out his place to scope out the merchandise, so to speak. Driving down his street, I slowed down to a near-crawl and hung my head out the window, looking for his house number. The house number proved to be irrelevant, though, when I looked up and saw him standing on his porch, waving at me! There I was with my head hanging out and my mouth wide open, looking like some kind of stalker! Needless to say, I did not wave back to him (I floored

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?" She says, "Oh, that. My father's ashes are in there..." He turns beet red in embarrassment for having brought up such a tender subject and says, "Geez, oh, er...I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Wife: One more word, and I will go back to my mother! Husband: Taxi!

I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I am the proud father of an 8 pound 7 ounce baby boy. Boy, is my wife gonna be mad when she finds out!

If a couple in Arkansas get married, move to Washington, then move back to Arkansas, are they still brother and sister?