Why do they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken. (Apologies to anyone who's offended - but it IS funny, which is the only valid test of a joke; if it's funny and someone is offended by it, considering WHY they're offended even though it's a joke can provide insight into their attitude toward the topic.) "I learned the truth from Lenny Bruce" - Paul Simon.

Man A remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back. Woman Creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because she does. People Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened. Optimist Girl who regards a bulge as a curve. Pessimist Man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope.

"Cleanliness is next to Godliness" Why do they say that? I looked it up in the dictionary, "goggles" is next to "godliness"; cleanliness is next to claustrophobia.

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving. They'd be wrong, but you could still use them.

A young priest has just left the seminary and been sent to his first parish to work alongside an old experienced priest Father Brown. When he arrives the old priest welcomes him with open arms, explaining that he has been working alone and hasn't had a day off in years. He asks the new priest to take confesson so that he can have a break. The young priest is very nervous as he hasn't done it for real before. The old priest explains that it's easy as he has produced a tariff, and he gives him the list: Telling lies - one Hail Mary; Stealing - one Our Father; etc; etc. So the young priest goes into the confessional and everything seems to be going okay. "Father, I have told a lie," - one

Don't you have some laundry to do or something? Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? Shouldn't you consult the great Oprah on this one? Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. Whoa, time out. Football is on. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of B#%$@! flakes this morning! Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

A man woke up in the morning to see that the whole house was all messy. Clothes were all over the room. Coffee beans were spilled on the kitchen floor. Even the house was teepeed with toilet paper. Back in the living room, a note read: Dear Honey, I have gone shopping for a little while. Sorry if I left the house a little messy. I don't know when I'll be back. After reading the note, he calls her. "Where are the couch, TV, and coffee machine?" "Uhh, that's a funny story." She hangs up, and their 23-year old son walks in. "Austin! Where is my wife?" "Oh, that. You drank like crazy and fell asleep. When she was pulling you back to bed, you woke up, punched her, spun her around in the

What do you call a woman with no asshole? Divorced.

A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife. His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies... "Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea" So what say the friends, flip her over. "Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says. "Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in. "Halitosis" the man says. "Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say. "Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."

How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.

A man was walking along the beach when he saw bottle. Curious, he picked it up and was wiping the sand off it when out came a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. The man couldn't believe it. "First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! The genie handed the man a piece of paper with his account information on it. "Next, I want to be the smartest man in the world." Poof! The man instantly became smart. "Now, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof! The man was changed into a huge box of chocolates.

100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. Movie nudity is virtually always female. You know stuff about tanks. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews. All your orgasms are real. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite s