A man into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants. The hooker almost faints; the guy has a 18 inch cock. She says, "Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that in me." The man pulls up his pants, picks up his $50, and says, "Screw that, I can do that myself!"

With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years. The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions." The minister inquired "Trips to where?" "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China." The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary." Pete: "I'm going back to go get her."

Two guys are sitting in a bar. The one says to the other, "Are you going to the Johnsons' tonight?" The other says, "Dunno, I don't feel like it, but my wife wants to." "Yeah, me too, I don't feel like it, but my wife insists." Both of them sigh deeply, look at each other and say: "All right then. See you at the Johnsons'!"

Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.

A couple who lived together were talking one day, trying to figure out how to entertain themselves on a rainy day. "Let's play Hide and Seek," said the woman. "I'll hide and if you find me we'll have sex!" "But what if I can't find you?" asked her boyfriend. "I'll be behind the piano," she said.

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."

One day a pretty lady was driving through the desert and her car broke down. In the distance, she sees an indian riding a horse. He rides over to her and offers her a lift to the nearest gas station and she happily accepts. On the way to the gas station, the indian would let out a, "Woo Hoo, Yipee!" every few seconds. The lady just figured that he was being an Indian and ignored it. When they finally got to the gas station and the Indian had left, the guy that worked at the gas station asked, "What was his problem?" The lady responded, "I don't know, I was just holding onto his saddle horn." The guy replied, "Lady, Indians don't use saddles!"

This man comes home feeling pretty frisky after partying with his buddies half the night. He walks into the bedroom where his wife is still waiting up for him. He takes off all of his clothes and says, "Baby, you are looking at 200 pounds of dynamite." His wife opens the window and yells, "Everybody run for your lives, there's 200 pounds of dynamite in my bedroom, and it only has a three inch fuse!"

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very wel

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the in

Why do bald men put holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair!