One night at a bar a guy and a woman happen to meet. The woman confides, "I was recently divorced, I'm embarrassed to say, but it's because my husband said I was too kinky." The guy gasps and says, "I am also recently divorced, and my wife complained I was too kinky." The woman says, "Look, we're both adults and I think we both know why we came here to this bar, let's just cut to it. I don't live too far away, let's go back to my apartment and get kinky." The guy quickly agrees and off to the apartment they go. Upon arriving at the apartment the woman says, "I want to go to the bedroom and get into something special, I won't be long." She goes to the bedroom and begins undressing, slowly s

One day, 3 men were walking around in the desert. One was poor, but had lots to drink and was smart; one was rich and very thirsty but was smart, and the last was poor, thirsty and stupid. Suddenly a genie popped up and said, "Each of you can have one wish, but it is a different sort of wish to the usual. Each of you can go down this magic slide," and a slide appeared from nowhere, "and whatever you say in the slide you will land in a large pile of whatever you said." The first man went down and said, "GOLD," and he landed in gold; the second man said, "COCA-COLA," and he landed in coca-cola; the last man said, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and he landed in wee.

A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip. The wife answers, "Thank you hon, what would like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl." The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, hon, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you." "And what happened to my present?" "What present?" she asked "The one I asked for - an Italian girl!" "Oh, that," she said. "Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait for nine months to see if it's a girl!"

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm wearing my love dress," responds the daughter-in-law, "We haven't made love in a long time." So the mother-in-law says, "Hm, maybe I should try that." She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm wearing my love dress," says the wife. "Well," responds the husband, "it needs to be ironed."

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

1. You could care less who Britney Spears is sleeping with. 2. You understand the differences between 27 brands of imported chardonnay. 3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets. 4. You know someone who was in the emergency room with Richard Gere the gerbil. 5. You understand the immense importance of quality lighting. 6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of a baseball field and still spot a toupee. 7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit. 8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover. 9. You really have "been there, done that." 10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends

"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?" "I am 78," said the man. "78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old." "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained. "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

THIS WAS REAL! My brother and his friend went out to eat at a restaurant. The restaurant was packed so they had to wait. The waitress then asked them for a name so she could call them when their table was ready. My brother's friend decided to give her a fake name. So then my brother and his friend were waiting. When it they were finally called, this is what could be heard throughout the whole entire restaurant, "Balz, party of two!"

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

A couple enjoyed getting away from their high-stress jobs by spending weekends in their motor home, but their peace and quiet was often disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers. Finally, they found a way to assure themselves privacy. They painted a sign near their RV's door: "Ask us about our Whole Life policies!"

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. - Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. - Cindy Garner I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." - Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman People are always asking couples who