"I say! Look here!" said an angry member of the grouse-shooting party. "You nearly shot my wife!" "I'm terribly sorry," replied the offender, "shall I try again?"

In answer to the question "What's wrong?" The wife says: The same old thing. The wife means: Nothing. The wife says: Nothing. The wife means: Everything. The wife says: Nothing, really. The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot. The wife says: I don't want to talk about it. The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

Pete's at work when he realises he's forgotten to ask his wife, Alison, where he should pick her up after work. He calls home, and after several seconds, Ali answers the phone. Pete asks his question, and Ali shouts, "You got me out of the bath to ask me that? I dashed to the phone; I haven't even got a towel over me, I'm dripping water in the hall! Pick me up in the square at 5.30!" As soon as Ali tells him she's naked and wet in the hall, an evil thought occurs to him. "I'm terribly sorry to have got you out of the bath; ok, see you at 5.30 then." As he hangs up, he calls to his mate, Mark, and outlines his plan, and starts to dial his home number, then gives Mark the phone. When Ali answe

Jack hadn't been to a school reunion in decades. When he walked in, Jack thought he recognised a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting. "You look like Helen Brown," he remarked. "Well", replied the angry woman, "you don't look so great in blue either!"

A man walks into a men's outfitters and grumpily asks to see the cheapest suit in the shop. The horrified snooty sales assistant immediately fetched a full length mirror and placed it in front of him.

A women said to her boyfriend "Oh, honey... are we doing anything this weekend?" Her boyfriend on the other side of the room said "Yeah, of course" The woman said "Oh, honey. That's great! What are we doing?" "Sunday... it's just you, me, the T.V., and that big comfy couch!" he said. "Oh, honey... does this mean what I think it means!?" she said. She jumped up excitedly. "Oh, honey... you want to watch the Super Bowl too!"

Ethel and Bunty were getting just a little bored in the senior citizens' home, when Bunty had an idea. "I bet you $100 that you won't streak round the garden, Ethel." "You have got a bet," replies Ethel, so she disrobes and sets off round the garden. Tom and Bob were enjoying a relaxing time in the garden when Ethel went past. Bob says, "Wasn't that Ethel that went by?" Tom replies, "Yes, I do believe it was." "What was she wearing then?" "I don't know," said Tom, "but it surely needed ironing."

Sam didn't want to go on the blind date that Tom had arranged for him. "What if she's really ugly and I hate her?" he complained. "Then just clutch your chest and fake a heart attack," Tom replied. Sam thought this was a good idea, so he agreed to go through with it. He went to the address Tom had given him, and a beautiful woman answered the door. "Hi, I'm your blind date!" Sam said. The woman clutched her chest and fell to the ground.

One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you marinate this in?" The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him. She must have seen the confused look on her husband's face, because she inquired, "What did you ask me?" When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and said, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband called out, "Hey, Hon, WOULD you marry me again?" Without hesitation she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

Holiday Banana Bread: Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana Instructions: 1 - look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms. 2 - Spread well shaped legs slowly. 3 - Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased - check with middle finger. 4 - Add banana, work up and down until well creamed. 5 - Lower nuts and sigh with relief. When banana is soft, bread is done! 6 - Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl." NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.

How do you know if a 500-pound man is a millionaire? (That's 500-pound fat, not muscle.) Because he will have a totally hot, blonde, babe on his arm.