Men's Rules for Women --------------------------- 1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 2) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 3) Saturday = sports. 4) Crying is blackmail. 5)Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 6) We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently. 7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Th

A man and a women are making love for the first time. "Cor what a small organ!" the women sniggered "It may be small, darling" replied the man "but it's never played in a Cathedral before!"

How many men does it take to open a beer? None it should be open by the time she brings it to you. Why are women's feet so small? So they can stand closer to the sink. How much does it cost to fix a woman's watch? Nothing, theres a clock on the oven. Your wife is at the front door yelling at you to open the door for her and your dog is at the back door barking his head off to be let in. Which one do you let in first? The dog, he shuts up when you let him in the house. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist? A woman who won't shut up and do what a man tells her.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never n

There are three well known rings to marriage: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!

A 90 year old man is having a checkup at his doctors office. The old man is chatty that day and starts to brag about his life. He boasts about his 20 year old wife who is having a baby because he got her knocked up. He claims it's an amazing feat considering his old age. The doctor listening to this very intently says, "Well, this reminds me of a story. Let me tell you about it." "I know this man who is a hunter who goes bear hunting every single season. One day during hunting season the man is in such a rush to get out into the woods he grabs an umbrella instead of his shotgun. Anyway, he was out in the woods and he comes across a ferocious grizzly who is very mad. Horrified he raises his

A tearful woman phoned a reducing salon to wail that her husband had just given her a lovely present and she couldn't get into it. The operator gave her an appointment and added, "Don't worry, madam, we'll have you wearing that dress in no time." "Dress?" the matron sobbed. "It's a Porsche!"

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds." "Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I thin

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back

1. The female always makes the rules. 2. The rules can change without notice. 3. Males can't know the rules. 4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some of the rules. 5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong. 6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong. 7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female can change her mind. 9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The male

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.