A guy goes into a diner, and when the waitress comes over to take his order, he says, "I want eggs, toast, and coffee. But make the eggs uncooked, the toast burnt, and the coffee really strong and bad. And I want you to slam the food onto the table and yell at me." The waitress says "Why would you want me to something like that?" He replies, "I'm homesick."

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always

One day, in a hospital, a doctor walked into a womans room, looking very serious. "There's something wrong with your baby", he said. the woman bolted upright. "Tell me! What's wrong with my baby?" The doctor looked her straight in the eye and told her, "Your child is a hermaphrodite." "A herma-whatta?" she asked. "The baby has the, um, most important parts of both a boy and a girl." The woman turned pale. It was silent for a few moments, and she said, "So, you're saying its a guy with a brain?!?!?!"

This couple, my mom is friends with at work, just had a baby. The wife, Emily, told Dave, her husband, there needed to be some cutbacks on beer to save money for diapers and such. Dave was very disapointed, as could be imagined, but realized it was for the good of their child. One afternoon Emily walks through the door, with bags of makeup and pretty clothes. Dave politely asked Emily why she was spending money on cosmetics, and he was restricted from beer. She responded causually, "This is for you honey. It makes me pretty." Naturally, Dave responded, "That's what the beer was for." Since then, he has been kicked out of the house, and lives in our basement.

A man and a woman have a child, and they need a crib, so they go to a crib factory store. This family is really poor, and they can only find cribs for $300. Then they find a crib for $20. They go up to the cashier and ask why. The cashier says its because it is cursed. The man and woman ask how it is cursed. The cashier replies, "After the 1st week of owning the crib, the mother of the child will die. After the 2nd week of owning the crib the child will die. And after the 3rd week the father of the child will die.(remember that last sentance) The man and woman decide they don't believe the cashier, so they buy the crib anyway. A week goes by, and the woman dies. The man weeps. Another week g

One day a little boy and a little girl are outside playing together and they get into an argument. The little boy holds up an army man and says " I bet you don't have one of these!" The little girl finds her army man and holds it up "Yes I do!" she says in a superior tone. The little boy looks through his toys and holds up a dump truck and says "Well I bet you don't have one of these!" Once again the little girl looks through her toys and finds a dump truck and holds it up and says "Oh yes I do!" in a superior tone. The little boy is starting to get mad so he looks through his toys and finally finds a cap gun. He holds it up and yells "Well I bet you don't have one of these!" The littl

A wife was in the kitchen making the boiled eggs for breakfast when her husband walked in and asked, "What's for breakfast?" She turned to him and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." He, thinking it's his lucky day, stood her over the kitchen table and they had sex. Afterwards he asked, "What was that all about?" She answered, "The egg timer's broken!"

A man is running out of his large office building when his boss spots him and asks him what he is doing. The man replies, "My wife called me and she says she is going to jump out our window and commit suicide." The boss realizes that this is a good excuse, but says, "Well, by the time you get home, won't it be too late?" The man says, "Nah, I'm just going to open the window for her."

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle.

It was the interval at the Opera when Mrs. Sternberg rose from her seat and called: "Is there a doctor in the house? Is there a doctor in the house?!" A man in a tuxedo pushed his way towards her. "I'm a doctor" he said. "Oh, doctor," she said, "Have I got just the loveliest daughter for you...."

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"

Once I asked a guy, " Do you love me, or is that a banana in your pocket?"