A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle? If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well that's the last straw," exclaims the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS i

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!" The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?" "We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him. "Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted. "Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped. "Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. "Was it my friend Sam?" he demanded. "No!" his weeping wife replied. "Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked. "NO!" she said even more upset. "Well, which one of my no-good friends did this then?" he asked. "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depresse

A man's life is difficult to understand, when born he struggles to get out of the vagina and then tries the rest of his life to get in!!!

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try." "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.

1. Watch yourself eating in front of a mirror. If you're put off, that's the view your future partner will have... 2. Live on your own. It's important that you find out what a hopeless slob you are before your beloved tells you. And then leaves you... 3. Go out with your friends for a "quick drink" and stagger home three days later... 4. Have a holiday romance with someone who doesn't speak a word of English. Who needs conversation? 5. Women: Take the soft toys off your bed. Nothing turns a man off more than performing in front of an audience of beady-eyed teddies... 6. Men: Get rid of those "How to Get Girls Even Though You're Poor and Ugly' books. They never work anyway... 7. G

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. P.S.