Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After few moments it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head, "No." "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head, "NO" again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her th

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know, it has never happened.

A man has just been in a car accident and has severe brain damage. So his sister is called in to take care of his medical decisions. First off, the doctor decides the man needs a new brain since his is so badly damaged. So they need to go find a brain for the transplant. They go down to the basement where all the brains are and there are 3 jars. The doctor points to the first jar and says, "That brain belonged to a woman. It will cost your brother $20 a gram." The doctor then points to the second jar, "That will cost you $40 a gram. It once belonged to one of our female doctors and she was quite a brilliant person." The doctor then points to the third jar and says, "That is a brain that once

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read this: RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS: 1) WON'T BEAT ME UP 2) WON'T RUN AWAY 3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?" "Hi," he said, "your search is over, for I'm the man of your drea

Contrary to popular opinion, life is NOT a bi**h. Life is a virgin. A bi**h would be easy.

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style. "If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef." "Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one. The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast tab

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Grow some dope... plant a man.

Penguins mate for life. This is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along!

Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem." And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?" "I know You created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely - and I'm sick of eating apples." "Well, in that case," replied the Almighty, "I'll create a man for you." "What's a man?" "He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals." "Sounds great!" replied Eve. "There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."