Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" The guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting. He played golf a lot, drank beer, and farted whenever he wanted.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the ministe

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving. The woman, who was hard of hearing, decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions. He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion, and if you ever have a baby, it will be a miracle." The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong. She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever hav

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why she doesn't want to have sex with her husband any more. "For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work. I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I tak

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong, And doesn't mind admitting when he's wrong, One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait two weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed & opens my door & begs to do more Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind, knows just what to say when I ask, "How Big is My Behind!?!" One who will kiss me till my body's twitchin', In the hall, the shower, the garden and the kitchen. I pray this man will love me no end, and never attempts to date my best friend. And, as I kneel and pray by my bed ... I l

A wife asked her husband well you remarry if I die? Husband:(caught off guard) He said no, I already did.... CRAP!!!

A boy came back from school and noticed that his father was wearing his weeding ring at the wrong finger. He asked his father, "Why are you wearing your ring on the wrong hand and finger?" And the father said,"Because I married the wrong wife."

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." "My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Why don't vegetarian women scream during orgasms? They refuse to admit that a piece of meat gives them pleasure!

If a man is in a forest, talking to himself, with no women around, is he still wrong? If a woman is in a forest, talking to herself, with no man around, is she still complaining? -------------------------------------------------------- Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is "I am"? Did you know that the longest sentence is "I do"? -------------------------------------------------------- Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't have it, chances are that you won't either.

A young man from Peking and a first generation Chinese American woman get married. On the wedding night he climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring, saying, "My darling, I know this is your first time and you must be frightened." She says that is true but she will do anything he wants. The groom says "Let's start with 69." And she says, "You want broccoli with beef?"