A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic. "We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids", said the husband. "And the next-door neighbors say it's because we're stupid." "Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?" "Do what?" asked the wife.

A gay couple (of guys) and a lesbian couple decide to leave from New York to Miami at the same time. The two couples are neighbors and they plan on driving the same route. so the question is who gets to Miami first? Why the lesbians of course! They go lickety split while the guys are still at home packin'.

A woman goes into Wal- Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the cash register . A Wal - Mart associate is standing there with dark shades on. She says," Excuse me , sir , can you tell me any thing about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everthing about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him , but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "The rod and reel is $20." She says," That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to th

Women as Explained by Engineers Finally- an explanation of Woman that makes sense to a man! Element: Woman Discoverer: Adam Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg, to 225 kg. Physical properties ___________________ Body surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint. Boils at absolutely nothing-freezes for no apparent reason. Found in various grades, ranging from virgin material, to common ore. Chemical properties ____________________ Reacts well to gold, platinum, and all precious stones. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning. The most powerful money-reducing agent known to man. Common Use __________________ Highly ornamental, especially

Jason showed his buddy the beautiful diamond ring he had bought his girlfriend for her birthday. "I thought she wanted a four-wheel-drive vehicle," ventured his friend. "She did," Jason said. "But where am I going to find a fake Jeep?"

The mood of a woman An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle a stranger alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk, At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. The moods of a man! Hungry! Horny! Sleepy!

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him! Tell them,

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''

Men are from Mars, Women from Venus RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR: You know the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted). English 44A SMU Creative Writing Prof. Miller In class assignment for Wednesday: Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. Th

I know this isn't a joke, but I really need help. I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs - phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask which girls, it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was, and she went beserk and screamed that I

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floo