A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up. so surprise me!" He did just that, so for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Boy: "Miss, may I kiss you?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Could you let me embrace your waist with my arms?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Well, then, may I touch your hands?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Why do you keep saying 'No' all the time?" Girl: "Mom said, when date with a boyfriend for the first time, remember to say No to everything." Boy: "Oh, really? Your mom is so..., OK. Miss, do you mind I touch your hands?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Miss, do you mind if I embrace your waist with my arms? " Girl: "No." Boy: "Miss, do you mind I kiss you?" Girl: "Er... No."

A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye." She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies," that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip."

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a grea

I know this isn't really a joke but I thought it was so funny that I wanted to share it with everyone... 1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as: a) Lovemaking b) Screwing c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship b) Your blood-test results c) Five tequila slammers 3. You time your orgasm so that: a) Your partner climaxes first b) You both climax simultaneously c) You don't miss SportsCenter 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) Healthy, creative love-play b) Not the sort of thing your wife/g

Think of the beat of the song walking in a winter wonderland while you are reading this... Lacy things -- the wife is missin', Didn't ask -- her permission, I'm wearin' her clothes, Her silk pantyhose, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear. In the store -- there's a teddy, Little straps -- like spaghetti, It holds me so tight, Like handcuffs at night, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear. In the office there's a guy named Melvin, He pretends that I am Murphy Brown. He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!" "Let's wait until our wives are out of town!" Later on, if you wanna, We can dress -- like Madonna, Put on some eyeshade, And join the parade, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A: They already have boyfriends. Q: Why is it that an archaeologist is the best man to have as a husband? A: The older you get the more he is interested in you. Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow! Q: Why are blond jokes so short? A: So men can remember them. Man: I don't know why you wear a bra. You've got nothing to put in it. Woman: You wear a pants, don't you? Man: God, why did you make my girlfriend so beautiful and caring?" God: So you would love her. Man: But God, why did you make h

If your ex-lover wants you back and you want him to know your serious, here's something you could say: "Come on back and take yo space, 'cuz if you break my heart again, I'll break yo face".

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's the problem?" "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!" "Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee. "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said. The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on

A woman hurries home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."