One evening two bachelors were talking over dinner. The conversation drifted from sports to politics, and then to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the bachelor. "But I couldn't do anything with it." "Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?" asked his friend. "You said it." The first guy replied, nodding. "Every one of those recipes began the same way: 'Take a clean plate....'"

A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats available, except for one at a table that was occupied by a man, and she decides to take it. He said, "Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what's yours?" The women replied, "June." She went to get a drink and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her. When she came back he still sat there smiling. June was a little embarrassed, so she bashfully said, "Why are you smiling at me like that?" Jim answered, "Well, just imagine having 6 inches of Snow in June!"

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to b

Janet's son, Trevor, lived in Georgia with his mom. Over the summer, Trevor went to California. On his way back to home, he decided to stop at an "adult video" store. The manager asked if he had an account. He admitted he didn't, and asked to start one. The manager asked for his phone number and he gave it to them. The manager then replied, "It says that the account is under the name of Janet."

A man and his wife were having some problems and giving each other the silent treatment. The man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him the next morning at 5:00 a.m, for an early flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 a.m." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up."

Once there were twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Hell no, in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked l

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's ci

A young woman goes shopping and buys one bar of soap, one yogurt, one microwave dinner for one, one apple, and a romance novel. She goes to the checkout stand, where she notices that the clerk is staring at her. Flattered, she flutters her eyelashes and giggles nervously. He says, "Single, huh?" She replies coyly, "How did you guess?" "Because," he says, "You're ugly."

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart. "I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly. "That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for 'Mr. Big'."

If Men Were in Charge of Weddings There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner." Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley! Idiots who tried to dance with the bride would get punched in the head. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man." There would be "Tailgate Receptions." Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. T

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reac

Bob, an extremely wealthy 60-year-old, arrives at a country club with a beautiful and charming 25-year-old blonde. His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob exclaims, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" His friends are shocked, but continue to ask, "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" Bob replies, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 40?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."