When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue. When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times. When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public. When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public. When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad. When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot. When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked. When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????" When you a

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license." Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

The owner of a golf course in Knoxville, Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Carol's husband, Arnie, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was a woman's work! One evening Carol arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished. It turns out that Arnie had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Arnie even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relieve myself." While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." The

I heard you got a baby. Dad: Yes, and I am very happy. So what about the wife? Dad: She still doesn't know.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." Now God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopp

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he'd like to screw the tail off his secretary."

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are quite excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter. "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "Many kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" Pharmacies: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: Hesitates slightly but answers, "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmaci

Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 year