One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Wilson, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Wilson noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in again, over and over. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the g

THINGY: female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra VULNERABLE: female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION: female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for the weekend with the boys. BUTT: female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn. male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT: female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with the girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT:

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She said to the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch and Rolex watch." "But you aren't wearing any of those things," said the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Before - You take my breath away. After - I feel like I'm suffocating. Before - Twice a night. After - Twice a month. Before - She loves the way I take control of a situation. After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac. Before - Ricky & Lucy. After - Fred & Ethel. Before - Saturday Night Live. After - Monday Night Football. Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars. After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done... Before - Don't Stop. After - Don't Start. Before - The Sound of Music. After - The Sound of Silence. Before - Is that all you are eating? After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey. Before - Wheel of Fortune. After - Jeopa

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

What a woman says: This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now! What a man hears: blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to read her book. Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said, " Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replied, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Ye

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?" With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening, the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

9. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes. 8. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white. 7. Crying can be fun. 6. Fat clothes. 5. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch. 4. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience. 3. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 2. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible. And the number one thing only women understand... 1. Other women!