A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, and driving his partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man. You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

One day a man and a woman were driving and they get into a terrible collision with each other. Both cars are wrecked beyond recognition, but they both crawl out of the wreckage unhurt. The woman says, "In a terrible accident...both of us are alive and, well, this must be a sign from God!" The man agrees. The woman says, "Well, we should celebrate our lives...here, let's drink to our celebration." She reaches into her wreckage of her car and pulls out a bottle of champagne which miraculously was not broken or even cracked. The man takes a huge gulp of the wine and passes it to the woman who politely waves it away. The man says, "Don't you want any? It was your idea." The woman says, "No thank

A very old man and a woman are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The man starts crying quietly. Touched by the mans sensitive side, she goes over to him, hugs him, and asks him whats the matter. The man says, "Remember when we were 15 and your daddy who was a sheriff caught us? And remember he said I either had to marry you for what we did or I spend 50 years in jail?" The woman nods. The man says, "Well today I could have been a free man."

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. Everyone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person. Jack, whenever placed in a terrible situation, would say, "It could have been worse." Everyone in town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to lie to him. They went up to him and said, "Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't it terrible?" Then Jack said, "Well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!" The townspeople said, "How could that possibly be worse?" Jack replied, "Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"

A husband & wife are talking. Husband: "How many times have you cheated on me?" Wife: "Only twice." Husband: "Tell me about them." Wife: "Remember when you were very sick, and we didn't have money to pay for the doctor? Well, I slept with him." Husband: "That's not so bad; and the other?" Wife: "Remember when you were running in the elections, and you needed 450 votes?"

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

One day a secretary noticed her boss's fly was open. Not wanting to embarrass him, she whispers in his ear, "Your barracks are open, and your soldier is saluting at the gates." The man, realizing what she means, decides to have some fun and says, "Do you see the colonel standing to attention?" She whispers back, "No; all I see is a veteran sitting on his two duffel bags."

After they'd brought their first baby home from the hospital, a young wife suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one." The next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was now ready to learn how to change diapers. He looked puzzled. "Oh," he replied finally. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

Two men were sitting by the swimming pool at a nudist colony when they noticed a beautiful young woman walking towards the pool. Her tan lines traced the outline of a tiny bathing suit with elaborately criss-crossed straps across the back. "I'll bet she looks great in that suit," one of the men said wistfully.

Q:What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: A dog only takes a couple of months to train.

She frowned and called him Mr. Because in sport he kr. And so in spite That very night The Mr. kr. sr.

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up? God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me